Why I gave up on following the crowd (and why it would benefit you too)
“It’s my party, my body, my business
It’s my world and you’re just living in it.”
These are lyrics from the famous “Birds of Prey” soundtrack, and they perfectly sum up what this post is about. Choosing yourself and being unapologetically you. Towards the end of the year 2019. I had a setback in my journey towards becoming a better person. I gaslit myself into believing that I was a bad person in the past (yet I was not). This led me to become overly nice, letting people treat me in whatever way, give me all their negative attitude and treat me like a second class option. None of the “friends” I made were actual friends. They were just people who I was nice to and were nice to me. However, I found myself constantly chasing, pursuing and craving to be part of them more and more. My breaking point happened when none of them checked up if I was okay during some of the worst events of 2020. and when one of them simply reduced me to a “dog sitter”.
Some people survive by following the crowd, and some don’t. I don’t. As someone who has never been a follower, I have always struggled to follow and keep a lot of people around me. My mind’s default setting, by nature is independent.
During my first year of university (that started in 2018), I decided that I would just embrace my true nature- a free and independent spirit. Alas, I was gaslit into thinking that there was something wrong with me for not following the crowd.
So in my second year (that started in 2019), I made it a priority to at least try to follow the crowd, or a crowd. I tried, and this was devastating for me. I ended up in a trap of people pleasing. I felt very drained, I was held by the chains of “what will they think?” “this isn’t cool enough” “They will think that’s cringe” “this person will judge me” “this person will get pissed at me.” “Why can’t I fit in completely”. Eventually, I got tired and bored of this narrative. they also did not hide the fact that they saw me as just a “by the way.” One of them actually hated my presence and showed that to me passive aggressively. But my focus what to fit in with this crowd, because that is what every one does right? Depend on people.
So in my third year, I decided to just do me and officially give up on trying to follow people. I had had enough of letting micro aggressions slide. I had had enough of feeling either too much or too little. I had had enough of worrying if someone liked me or not. Or if my decisions and thought processes made sense to others. I do not know how others do this, but it is definitely not for me.
I decided that I would find a balance between following people and going my own way. But never again, would I sacrifice my independent mind to follow people or to seek anyone’s approval. I decided that from that moment on, I would put myself first. Whether it meant flaking, or dropping people or plans, I would do it. I decided that throughout my 20’s, I would only choose those that chose me, but still maintain my individuality. Which is okay. We were born alone, and we will die alone. We are all individuals and never should you sacrifice your own personal growth for the acceptance and validation of a few individuals.
The more you choose you, the more you will be able to build and work on yourself so that you can truly give back to those that need you in a beneficial way that does not drain you but also helps them. Build and work on yourself. As long as you are impressed by you, no body else can shake you. Challenge yourself, travel, do what you love, give to the people that give to you, follow your ambitions, your aspirations, your goals, your passions. Focus on growing into the better version of yourself. If people reject or are prejudiced towards you. It’s okay, walk away. Focus on growing and learning. Proving to only yourself and to the people that matter is way more important than proving to people who will never understand you, or judge you, or don’t show up for you, or just want to use you. Be selfish with your life. Be selfish with yourself. And if everyone is selfish as well, it’s okay, we shall all die on this hill. Choose you, never choose the crowd or anybody else.
Originally published at http://kerensarahobara.com on January 21, 2021.
